Ctrl. Alt. Delete.

Life is one-handed and messy once you have a baby. Like monkeys that swing one-armed from a branch while peeling a banana and eating it with their left foot. It’s survival. Based on this well-known universal insight, I have a few product gripes to share:

1. Why the HELL can’t you only open the Tommee Tippee microwave sterilizer with ONE HAND??? Who the blimey was in charge of product testing? Was it a woman holding a baby? I DON’T THINK SO! It gets me every time – which is about 9 times a day. You easily unhook one side but when you try the other side, the original side re-locks. *fist-in-mouth*

TommeeTippee

2. Wet wipes. Why do they stick to each other when you pull on one? WHY WHY WHY? You have one hand on a squirming screaming baby who is peeing on his own face (yes, it’s possible and common) Why can’t each wet wipe separate with a small tug from the next one? Each time my husband does a change it looks like someone has papered our bedroom in a Halloween prank

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3. Baby gates. This may just be my one which looks gorgeous (Baby Dan) but I get insane hand cramp (and sometimes a toe cramp) trying to ‘slide-lift-click’ while holding Jack. Glad I spent £60 for the privilege of hurdling between my kitchen and lounge. (yes, I step over it)

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4. ctrl. alt. delete. Whoever designed a keyboard was not a new mother. Why does ‘delete’ have to be TOP RIGHT and ctrl & alt BOTTOM LEFT? Sick joke? You have just managed to get him to latch on and the laptop is your only friend for the next 45 minutes…and the screen locks. You can’t reach the TV remote. Your phone has run out of battery. D.I.E.

keyboard

5. White Muslins. As a new mother you don’t realise that white is the enemy. So you buy a lot of things in white because it looks gorgeous and clean. Try finding a while muslin in your white linen bed at 3am with nothing but a sheep-shaped glow in the corner for guidance. If it’s not too late, try colours….

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6. Clear plastic nipple shields. WHY would you make a nipple guard transparent? I doubt a baby would care if it were lumo or polka dot. Try finding one in a bed full of twisted (white) muslins and baby blankets, at 2:15am after a feed in the dark where baby is now horizontal.

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