I imagined my pregnancy would be utter bliss. I would wake up glowing and sparkle for 9 months while my unborn child hiccuped gently beneath organic threads. (the movie; What to Expect When Your’e Expecting is the biggest load of rubbish, except when she wees herself – this totally happens) Thick, lushous hair, strong nails, dewy skin, strangers smiling at you and giving up their seats.
While some of these were indeed true, they were interspersed with tense hospital runs, panicked late night calls to my GP, an A&E visit on Christmas day, an over-night stay in the labour ward hooked up to an IV for a suspected liver infection, back pain so horrendous I cried all the way from the bus stop to my front door for two solid weeks and obsessively self-diagnosing every slight change in my body on Google and not being able to sleep.
Then there’s the emotional turmoil – what kind of mother do you want to be, how soon to register at the good schools, what if ‘the naughty step’ doesn’t work, will my waters break on the bus, will my Mum be around to help, will waterproof mascara hold up through labour for the first ‘natural’ photo, how will I shake the flab and fit into my work clothes again (and what the hell to wear if I don’t?!)
And stupid shit that doesn’t matter, but at 2am it is THE biggest most vital question the world has ever known, such as:
1. Do I need special washing powder for babies clothes? (answer: you can get gentle non bio versions)
I love Fairy Non Bio Gel:
2. Do babies have memories so they can judge your crap parenting later on in life? (no!, you have a 2-3 year grace period)
3. Will my dog try to eat my child? (unlikely, chances are they will want to lick it instead)
4. Will the baby-gate ruin my lounge-kitchen flow? (yes, get over it)
5. Do I need to sterilize my floors, walls, books, doors, couch, paintings, husband…. (no, just bottles, dummies etc.)
While I know you won’t be able to, have a cup of tea and try to relax (and keep a notepad next to your bed!)